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Rachel's poetry

I made a new blog over my vacation: Rachel Rutherford Poetry

Most of these are chained haiku -- each verse is a haiku, and the overall poem itself also has the same kind of space in it, a leap. Other forms used are sestinas, sonnets, metered, and free-verse.

I pulled out poems from 8 blogs. The categories are listed down the side. To see all the poems, click All. To see just the good ones, click _Good ones. These are in reverse chronological order, most recent first. Some are dated, most not. This blog does not include poems written on paper, or any poems earlier than 2004.

Rachel's resume

I updated my resume for DigiPen. It looks like this. Not very traditional, but a cheerful description of games, theatre, and the Core.

an architecture of light

Phillip Gerard, in How to Write a Book That Makes A Difference says building a novel is like building a cathedral. The main problems are to figure out 1) how to get it to stay up, and 2) how to make it have light.

"The problem is to build an architecture of light," he says.

He says both structures involve building an intricate scaffolding, which in the end is dismantled and no one sees.

And that you build a novel, like a cathedral, twice. The first time through is just to get a structure that stays up. The second time is to give it light. He says you cannot tell what your novel is, or how to give it light, until you have that first whole structure in place.

making while teaching while studying

I love being in the center of three intersecting circles, where I am:

making the thing in one arena, while
teaching how to make it in another arena, while
studying how to make it in a third arena.

In 2001 I was:

directing Medea, while
teaching acting in my BCC class, while
studying directing in Bart Sher's Directing Lab.

I was studying rehearsal, while rehearsing, while teaching how to rehearse. In these intensive-growth phases, I stop writing. I am changing so fast I can't monitor. I feel guyed and stayed, gyroscopically stable at the nexus of forces. I feel in my right place in the universe. In this state, I am the map. As soon as I see it, the light sparks and fissions through my interior map, instantly reforming it, and reforming me. This dissemination of light, reformation of the map & self, continues while I sleep.

In 2007:

I am making a game at Microsoft
while teaching how to make games at DigiPen
while studying how to make games from Jason Mai and others

My unconscious is fed so much fantastic coherent stimulus, it's as if it were getting fed pure dream. It is incredibly, complexly efficient.

For one with eyes to read the subtext, Efreinov was right -- the best plays in the world take place in real life. Gorgeous, haunting, dripping, resonant, full-grown, feral, wide-awake humans in play. I hear the scenes and the subscenes while I am in them.

Theatre is circles of Feeler-Actors: people who take action, and who feel, both kinesthetically and emotionally. Game-creation is circles of Thinker-Makers. People who think, and who make in the image of their thought.

Feeler-Actors understand layers of evocation. Thinker-Makers understand levels of abstraction. I am both. Innately, more of a Feeler-Mover, but enough of a Thinker-Maker to be addicted to insight and learning.

Thinking, feeling, touching, and moving are implementation-free. Theatre and games are nearly implementation-free; almost as light as it gets. Built from thought, movement, action, light, electricity, sand, plants, and water.

Eugenio Barba says every artist who goes far in his own practice, develops specific terms that are necessary for that practice, that arise from it, that precisely describe it -- and that these terms are often inscrutable to outsiders.

To find the picture above, illustrating intersecting circles of game creation, I googled for "x,y,z, 3D". I didn't find anything, but it led me to a beautiful mindmap. I gave up on x,y,z and started researching mindmaps. Deep in the mindmaps, I stumbled across the perfect x,y,z illustration; it was a picture of a gamebox.

Synchronicity? Nexus of forces? Intersection.

perhaps my words, books,
insights from lean sages -- are
things all parents know

I think and feel, make
software games and theatre --
fluent, translating

integration is
a remorseless journey -- not
one thing can be saved

except the memory
of how to make a sword,
of the swordmaster

A lie creates drama

A lie creates drama.
Two truths are the source of drama.

Ten cities in ten years

I met a guy who is living in 10 cities in 10 years. Seattle is his third. "Every May I pack up and move," he said. "I give myself June & July to make friends. Then I pick a job and settle in." Las Vegas and Chicago came before. San Francisco is next.

"How do you pick the cities?" I asked. "However," he said. "I'm young. That's why I can do this now." "I feel the same," I said, "Because I'm not young."

home

When Jeff moved out, I did too. I stopped going home much, spent most of my time at work or with friends, and moved everything I cared about to my office.

With Dorothy moving in, I notice I am starting to gravitate back home. I took my plants home. I set up a computer at home. I am gradually beginning to set up two bases for myself, rather than only using work for everything.

I think I am essentially nomadic. That my sense of home is tied to people, not to place.

games as art, DigiPen student games

The DigiPen students in GAT 400 had 11 weeks to learn XNA & C# and build a game prototype. We asked them to build their games around "One Cool Thing."

One = focus
Cool = desire
Thing = it exists, you shipped it

They chose:

Jetpacks
Deformable terrain
A specific classic arcade game, built from scratch
Bullet patterns
Every country in the world
Jump physics
Phototropism
Helicopter modeling
Color subtraction
Cooking recipes
Target practice
Control-matching
Music-driven battle mechanics
Music-driven procedurally-generated terrain
Puzzle combat
3D flythroughs

It didn't matter what they picked. What mattered was that it was a) specific, and b) sprang from desire.

The process went like this.

1. Start
2. Code appears
3. The game starts to emerge
4. Keep building
5. Some Really Fun Unanticipated Thing appears
6. Veer to follow that
7. Tidy up what's there -- splash, art, audio, UI, menus, dialogs

What made it art is: They would veer to follow what was emerging. Art is the search. The dialogue with one's creation.

On our game at work, we have done a faithful job: pursued the mechanic, sculpted it into a cheerful, workable game. But at its heart, our game does not spring from someone's specific desire & longing. It's the difference between "This guy" and "This guy with whom I am strangely fascinated."

Desire. Specificity.

work, computer at home

Work is hard right now. Lots of new stuff, lots of deliverables and learning curves, as we drive toward shipping. Hard, but straight on my spiritual path.

Over a thousand people have played our game. Their comments form a murmur of humanity. Love it. Hate it. My type of game. Not my type of game. What's that little white thing? I don't get how lives work. Can I play this on my phone? Hey, check out my high score.

It is Saturday, July 21, as I am editing this. I am sitting at home, having just set up my computer. I have not had a computer at home for a year. Adding a computer is like adding a window.

update, green fruits as big as cantaloupes

My DigiPen class is finishing up. We see the final presentations of the games tomorrow. Pretty exciting. This is like being in a sorceror's art class -- it's hard work, like sorcery, but the end result is art. The students have no clue how good they are, how pure, how innovative, how disciplined, how strong.

I just finished taking two courses from Excellence Seminars, The Pursuit of Excellence & The Wall. "Seminars that inspire & support you to do, be, & have more of what you want."

My new roommate and I are settling in well. Jeff, my old roommate, got accepted at Washington State University, and has moved to Pullman to study poetry.

Work for the past year has been a demanding spiritual practice. Completing each spiritual phase reveals the next. This phase, the end-game of shipping a product, requires day-by-day spiritual practice. It never gets easier. It just keeps getting more granular, more attentive, more revelatory, more plain. It is a lot like physical theatre, in that regard. "The floor is my best teacher," says Roberta Carreri of the Odin Teatret. Here, "The game is my best teacher."

green fruits as big as
cantaloupes bow Maui trees --
imminent sweetness

a flower of flowers
in the lei of leis -- moon
hangs molten yellow

there is no splash like
this one Now! Here! Let cool salt
waters silk your hair

if the day was spent
in sand, let evening seas wash
over you -- say Yes

a general store, a theatre

I have a friend who bought an old general store, built in 1915, which he is gradually rebuilding into a beautiful 50-seat theatre. And by beautiful, I mean shaped for theatre -- original high brick wall as the backdrop, original barn-flooring for the stage, and cupped intimate hearth-like seats. The most perfect space for Chekhov I have ever seen.

Today I went and helped move lights. Today he put in two windows, a back porch, and cleared out the front "store" area. Our efforts don't really compare, but I like being part of it.

In this prosaic difficult fashion, a theatre is being born.

teaching XNA & the Core at DigiPen

I am co-teaching a game programming class in XNA, C#, and XNA Game Studio Express this summer at the DigiPen Institute of Technology. DigiPen is an up-and-coming conservatory for games, offering degrees in:

Associate of Applied Arts in 3D Computer Animation
Bachelor of Fine Arts in Production Animation
Bachelor of Science in Real-Time Interactive Simulation
Bachelor of Science in Computer Engineering
Master of Science in Computer Science

I am co-teaching with Ben Ellinger. Ben is teaching the programming part, I am teaching team techniques drawn from the Core protocols & theatre. Ben & I are a booted team, so teaching together is bootstrapping us at several levels. This summer class is preparation for the big 9-month game class that starts in the fall.

Shared vision: Wind transforming into heaven: Become the quality without a name
Ben's alignment: Passion
Rachel's alignment: Love
Class goal: Using the Core protocols, XNA, & C#, build a great game.
Focus: Focus on *one* aspect that you optimize for greatness.
Structure: Every week, 1) a technical lecture, 2) protocol work, and 3) versioning & perfecting the games. The final week, present games to an audience. Three guest lecturers on special topics.
Collaboration: Students can work on teams or alone; or on multiple teams.

UPDATE: A week later we added Chris Peters as a third co-instructor.
Chris's alignment: Love

50 years, 50 teachers

This week of turning 50, I honor 50 of my teachers.

1. Mother, Joan Rutherford. "For work, buy an olive-green wool suit from Canada. Do what you say you'll do, when you said you'll do it. If you have to take personal time, take it at 11:30."
Work hard.

2. Father, George Rutherford. "Anything you want to learn, you can find in a book."
Play hard.

3. Brother. "It's not how many situps you do, it's how slow you do them. Then it's how many."
Love your kids.

4. Niece. "No matter how bad a day you've had, dance class will make it better."
Keep trying.

5. Actor, Rick Hoge. "To buy a flowering cherry, use the nursery the landscapers use."
Devour beauty.

6. Philosophy teacher, Patt Hawthorne. "A haiku is not just 17 syllables. A haiku is 17 syllables and the space for god."
Write in your journal every day.

7. Chemistry teacher, Jerry Bennett. "If the math is too hard, fiddle with it till it gets easy."
Science and math are easy.

8. Ballet master, Wendy Shankin Metzger. "Move your back back. Keep your knees over your ankles. In arabesque, let the back move."
If you dance all day all summer, you can catch up.

9. Margaret Knowles Conrad. "Men are beautiful."
Love.

10. Writer, Madeline L'Engle. "Size doesn't matter. A mitochondria, a cherubim, a girl, a man, a black snake, and a galaxy are the same."
Think big, wonder bigger.

11. Writer, Rumer Godden. "'Pax,' it said, carved in a crown of thorns on the stone gate to Brede Abbey. Note, it is 'Not the world's peace, but My own I give to you'."
Seek the divine.

12. Drummer & marine biologist, Jeff Parkhurst. "I don't even remember that Emerson Lake and Palmer solo. But my body does."
Play music your whole life.

13. Network architect, Ken Harrenstien. "If you grow up in Hawaii, no place else is ever as lovely."
Be as smart as you are.

14. Saxophonist, Mark Friend. "Have sex, water-ski, rehearse, work. That's a good day."
Create good days.

15. Computer scientist, Robert Poor. "Look at how this code is structured and commented."
Beauty is integral.

16. Software test engineer, John Dimmick. "Nibble. Do a little bit every day on a big project."
Do chores Saturdays, take Sundays off.

17. Art director, Jerome Domurat, "Tools affect the process."
Your job is to learn how to do your job.

18. Computer scientist, Adele Goldberg. "If people ask whether you will edit technical journal papers for money or for free, always say for money. The papers will be better."
Bring your twins to work.

19. Ice hockey coach, Dick Hocking. "Let's not get hurt out there."
There is such a thing as a bad day, and that's when injuries happen.

20. Suzuki master, Robyn Hunt. "Move without disturbing the air."
Your body knows how.

21. Drawing teacher, Michaele leCompte. "Art is not about what it looks like. Turn off the lights and draw."
Every drawing is beautiful.

22. Theatre director, Bart Sher. "Explode the symbol. Keep unpacking the meaning."
Don't use one chair on stage, use seventy-five.

23. The Oracle of Obsessed With Sodoku. "Look for patterns. When you start to solve things in one area, it will spread. You will start to solve things in other areas more easily."
Go meta.

24. Chef and painter, Radmila Sarac. "If the food is not good, the whole event is not good."
Everything counts.

25. Actor and painter, Kris Strong. "You have got to be in character. As yourself in your livingroom. As your character on stage.
You are scrupulously protected by your ethics.

26. Software program manager, Lyon Wong. "All you need is one."
Commit.

27. Master therapist, Jim Rapson. "One of the hallmarks of organic growth is, we never see it coming."
Persist.

28. Painter and illustrator, Shane White. "Work out every day."
Love your body.

29. Computer scientist, Danny Hillis. "Go to your lab and make stuff.'
It is fun to be a grown-up.

30. Writer and physician, Anton Chekhov. "Only the truth can heal. Only the truth can cure."
Be tender.

31. Actor, Mark Williams. "Being in the Special Forces and making theatre are about equally hard."
Shakespeare has power.

32. Master calligrapher, Thomas Ingmire. "Calligraphy is mark-making."
Make your mark.

33. Concert pianist, David Kaiserman. "We will spend the next two months only on how to drop your arm onto the keyboard."
Start at the beginning.

34. Mathematician, Bill Gosper, "Sometimes I write letters that are nothing but equations."
With friends you can go faster.

35. Theatre director, Konstantin Stanislavski. "Everything is easy once you are in the zone. The trick is how to get in the zone."
Keep experimenting.

36. Choreographer and Olympic athlete, Lee Eisler. "Don't bore me."
The transitions are the dance.

37. Theatre music director, Peter Sills. "If the actors can't sing it, slow it down until they can sing it five times in a row."
The only way out is through.

38. Teamwork Researcher, Jim McCarthy. "The unconscious never makes a mistake, especially when it is painting."
Trust your intuition.

39. Teamwork Researcher, Michele McCarthy. "If you only got one thing out of this week, and that one thing was to learn to Ask For Help, that would be $5,000 well spent."
Take what works and feed it back into the system.

40. Painter, Wes Hurley. "You look very bad in this portrait right now. You will look much worse before I finish."
Change your last name to match your partner's.

41. Singer, Bono. "When I started talking to world leaders to save Africa, I didn't know how. So I studied Martin Luther King."
Ask for help. Study people who are good at it.

42. Theatre music director, Zhenya Lavy. "I can teach anyone to sing." Her actors can start singing at the same instant, in far corners of the stage, while doing acrobatics, with no pitch given, in perfect tune.
Excellence is the only option.

43. Theatre director, Joseph Lavy. "This piece of the text is a Latin prayer. It is pronounced like this. It means this. It is sung like this.'
Prepare thoroughly before the actors even enter. Put it in your body, then put it in theirs.

44. Theatre director, Leonid Anisimov. "Affect the space first."
Look to Nature.

45. Game designer, John Miller. "Try to get your problems to converge."
Solve it fast. Solve it again. Version the solutions.

46. Game designer, Ben Ellinger. "Injecting stimulus and energy into a closed system increases the likelihood and frequency of phase shifts."
Going fast is more fun.

47. Computer scientist, Eric Fleegal. "Faith is the seed of all recursions."
Relish complexity. Embrace spirituality.

48. Games manager, Joshua Howard. "Regularly broadcast state, to stabilize the org."
Love in all directions.

49. Software architect, Jason Mai. "Your brain will unfold it all for you. Just give it time."
Look at everything at 4 levels of meta. Then slow down and look again.

50. Big wave surfer, Laird Hamilton. "You don't surf the big waves alone. For the big waves, you need a team."
Do what you love. Joyously. Safely. Uncompromisingly. With your friends. Boom! Bim! Bam! Boom!

No wonder I am resonating to Laird. Laird embodies the teachings of my mom, my dad, my brother, and myself:
Work hard. Play hard. Love your kids. Do what you love, with your friends.

Laird Hamilton, big wave surfer

I have been studying Laird Hamilton, the best big-wave surfer in the world. He sees surfing as an art-form. He has evolved his sport to the point where it now requires a team on jet-skis, and he has begun creating new kinds of boards.


Laird Hamilton


Laird on most massive wave ever surfed, Teahupoo, Tahiti 2000


Laird on the red dirt road to Peahi, his home break in Maui


Laird with wife, pro volleyball player Gabrielle Reece, & daughter Reece


Laird and Gabby horsing around


Laird in his shop

Laird is resonating to me for several reasons.

1. He looks like my brother. They are both outdoorsmen; at ease with tools and nature; in their 40's; in lifelong good shape.

2. I feel like him. The fascination he has with waves, I have with people's emergent transformation while creating art. Transfixing, massive, swift, deadly waves.

3. He is a full-grown man.

4. The thing he loves doesn't pay. He has figured out how to make it pay. Just go far enough, smart enough, safe enough, uncompromisingly enough, with a committed team.

You don't surf the big waves alone. For the big waves, you need a team.

-- Laird Hamilton

5. He married someone equally striking and unusual and had a baby. This is a bigger wave than the ocean.

6. When I look at him, I see the athlete I am becoming.

new do

I switched to a new and different blog template. Updated my profile. This template lets me categorize posts.

Solitaire In Motion ships

Our game has shipped! Solitaire In Motion is now available free, as an online web game for the PC. It is a languid, drifting, simple variation of regular solitaire. Go here to play it on games.msn.com, in the Card & Board category.

Unlike most solitaire games, you don't have to play red on black. You can play any color on any color. Click special float-by bonuses for more points.

This initial version is a special limited-edition featuring Wal-Mart's sponsorship. Later versions will go back to being the plain game.

I like Languid Mode for its music, Active Mode for its run-building. Sometimes I open the game to Languid Mode and let it run, just to hear the classical guitar play. Stan LePard is the composer & guitarist. Shortly after recording this lovely intimate soundtrack for us, Stan flew to Prague to record a whole orchestra playing another of his compositions for a different videogame.

Also, here is an interview about Solitaire In Motion with its Executive Producer, Jason Mai. We have similar jobs, so reading this -- especially for my family -- will give a better feel for what I do at work.


Click here to download the game & begin.


Two ways to play & a Tutorial. Click Carbonated Games logo to see credits.


The main game. Click floating cards to build runs on the draw pile.


The credits float by, too. These are some of the team members.

africa africa africa africa africa africa africa

I just read the latest in Alexander McCall's mystery series, The Number One Ladies' Detective Agency. After the last sentence, it says:

africa
africa africa
africa africa africa
africa africa
africa

That is why these books are so popular. At their heart is love -- love of Africa, of Botswanaland, of acacia trees and bush tea and sky.

These books are a trickle of soft. When Africa is in our hearts, we will take care of her. Because then Africa is me, here, in the book I will pass on to my mother about the traditionally-built lady detective, and her assistant wearing shiny maroon-with-bows resignation shoes.

To have people care for the theatre, say the Odin, You must give it to them.

snowy road

My road looks like this. Has all week.

If 2006 was the year of dreaming & rooting, 2007 feels like the year of waking up. Reality feels bright and close.

Witness to the Odin

I thought I'd share this comment on my "Odin Posts" and my reply.

john hunter said...
Hi Rachel,

I'm a student at Royal Holloway University, London, and I just thought I'd write to say thank you for sharing your wonderful experiences on the Odin with us in this beautifully written and thoughtful blog.

Your experiences have been the source for a lot of my research on the Odin, and your personal touch and reflections have been infinitely more useful to me than any text book.

Thank you for sharing!

John
Student, London
7:06 AM

Rachel Rutherford said...
John --

Thank you. I have read about Royal Holloway. I love that the spirit of the Odin is touching you, and thus, them. May the touch and spirit and truth-in-bodies of the Odin spread from you further, like ripples in a net of light.

Eugenio's books kept me alive for three years. When I felt most desperate or isolated, I would read his writings. His search, his craving for the search, and his commitment to the search, comforted me.

Roberta Carrerri said, at the beginning of Odin Week, "We have invited you here to witness the Odin. So you know this has existed."

To witness.

You, too, are becoming a witness of the Odin. I encourage you, if it feels right, to attend an Odin Week and experience the transmission directly. The Odin will not be here forever; theatres, like performances, are ephemeral.

May you continue to follow your path faithfully, wherever it leads.

rachel
12:12 PM